Monday, November 28, 2011

The Gospel According to Hypocrisy

by Domenick Scudera, Professor of Theater and Chair of the Theater and Dance department, Ursinus College, for The Huffington Post:

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him,

And maketh no mistake, these single male followers were not homosexuals,

And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

"Blessed are the negative in spirit: for they shall find fault with just about everyone and everything.

"Blessed are they who judge others: for they are entitled and superior.

"Blessed are the intolerant: for they most rightfully deny the humanity of others.

"Blessed are the ignorant: for they shall equate homosexuality with pedophilia and shall promote other equally specious arguments.

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall tell everyone else what to do with their lives.

"Ye are the light of the world and ye shall shine brightly over all those who do not live by your code or standards.

"Think not that I am come to destroy the law. I want you to do that. Change all the laws of the land through ballot measures so that people will only live the way that ye think is right.

"Ye have heard that it was said, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman or an intern lustfully shall make sure that any activity is well hidden and not documented:

"Be warned that the wide web of the world, and liberal news media, will exploit your personal deviant behavior against you.

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

"But I say unto you, That whosoever shall divorce his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry a divorced woman committeth adultery.

"And I also say unto you, That you may ignore this last piece of advice if it is not convenient for you. Marry and divorceth whomsoever you wish, as many times as you wish, and do not worry about it. Just make sure that the homosexuals do not ruineth everything by taking husbands.

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy:

"And I say unto you, That sounds pretty good. Some of those enemies are horrible. Blessed are you who curseth them whenever you can. Do evil unto them who hate you.

"For if ye love them which love you, you may be perceived as homosexual. Make not this mistake.

"Salute your brethren only. Why do something for others?

"Be ye therefore perfect. And everyone else is not.

"Let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth. Masturbation must be denied.

"And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

"No, I take that back. Ignore that last one. Pray and preach as loudly as you can. Let everyone see and hear you. I realizeth now that hypocrisy is a good way to be respected and still allow you to do whatever you want.

"Use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do:

"Unless your words are 'talking points.' Repeat these as often as you can, so that ye may drill your opinions into the minds of the masses.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal.

"But lay up for yourselves treasures in righteous politicians and causes.

"For wherever your treasure is, there will lieth your political power.

"Judge not, that ye be not judged [LOL!]

"Enter ye in at the strait gate. Strait meaning straight.

"Therefore whosoever interpreteth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock."

And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:

For he did not seem very Christian.

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