The Cycle of Sex and Gender Among Gays, Churches and Married Men

Submitted by Jim Ru

I have heard many people discussing these issues about homosexuality and Namoli in the community at this time.

Many questions are being raised.

So I'd just like to steer this conversation a little by putting some of these questions to words on this site, hoping it will further the conversation and perhaps settle some of the fear and hate.

I do believe that most people in this community want to keep the peace. The city and the police in Oil City have been adamant that if anyone breaks the laws, they will be prosecuted. With those guarantees in place, I think it's time to step back and try to address the more rational people of this county.

Let me toss out some questions and ideas that I've heard being discussed. I am going to avoid making my own opinions on these questions, and just put them out there for all sides to ponder. I am also keeping my discussion mostly around gay men, since I am one, and I think lesbians are more capable of discussing their issues on their own.

Okay here goes...

Do you think the controversies and issues around Namoli performing here are ones of gender or sexuality?

Lots of gay men dislike and even hate effeminate gay men, as do lots of heterosexual men. Some of the worst insults I've heard towards effeminate men have been by gay men who only want hyper masculinity as the focus of gay issues and sexuality. Further, young males in general have issues around dominance. It's not only a human trait, it's a trait found in many species. A man who has transgendered to female brings up a lot of questions for people. The unknown is always scary. I've had a lot of questions about what it means when a person goes through this process and I've not always understood.

But the question I hear the most being articulated in different ways is this:

Do you think that having effeminate men and transgendered men being open and out about their lives threatens the traits of male dominance in masculine men, be they gay or straight?

Is it possible to change this? Or is it part of our genetic makeup as humans? (Like monkeys or gorillas or parrots who fight for dominance within the young male population, they use hyper masculinity to maintain their authority. Any signs of femininity are signs of weakness which leaves the animal open to attack.)

Okay next question....


I've also heard it said that some of the people who create the controversies here do not actually live in Oil City. I think of all the comments I've heard, this one comes up the most. What do you think about that? Is it important to take a stand and then stick around to hear the response?

Or, is this just part of the culture of YouTube, where you create a controversy, then gather the response later for your own profit? Also, if a church from another town comes here and stirs up trouble, what is the appropriate response?

To take it a step further, are gays, lesbians and trans people responsible for the controversy that erupts around them? If a trans person performs here does she have to respond if someone gets upset?

If that's the case, then should we also hold heterosexuals up to the same standard? The population increases at three additional people per second on this planet. Resources are finite, quickly running out and getting poisoned. I find THAT a threat to society. Should heterosexuals be kept from performing unless they promote an agenda that could destroy society? And if they do perform do they then have a responsibility to explain that agenda to everyone who gets upset?

It sounds smug, but it's an honest question. Heterosexuals often seem to phrase questions that hold themselves in the light of grace, especially if they have kids. It is assumed that everyone else has to answer to them.

Does this have any validity?

Alright, then there is this....

We live in a time where it's easy for married and closeted men to find sex on the internet without being caught. It takes little time and effort to hook up for sex using chat rooms and other online social groups, and you never have to use your real name. Many of these are also devout Christians, Muslims and Jews, and condemn gays and lesbians who are open about their sexuality. (I know this from personal experience of having talked to them, but if you doubt it, then I urge you to start such conversations online yourself and I'm sure it won't take long to find men like this.)

In many societies around the world it's normal for married men to have homosexual sex, as long as the married man is the dominant and masculine partner in that sex. Effeminate men are used for sex and then kept hidden from the families of the married man. You are considered less than manly if you are the receiving partner. Effeminate gay men who are used for sex by married men have about the same status as street prostitutes. (Not always, but usually.)

Do you think that part of the controversy around transgendered and openly gay men in this town has to do with men who see such honesty as a threat to their usual sexual outlets?


Do you think that religious rules encourage these sexual behaviors of dominance and secrecy? In other words, we don't care what you do in private, just make sure you're married, have kids, and keep your sexual life to yourself. And if you are having sex with men, make sure you're on top otherwise you're like a woman, only worse.

Don't ask don't tell.

Many men I've spoken to online think secrecy for gay sex is how things should be, how they have always been, and how they intend to keep them. This way they can have a family, and have lots of sex on the side, and no one is the wiser. Even if they don't have a family, by being secret, they never have to deal with the politics of homosexuality. They never address the issues of cheating, disease, and the threats to openly gay men.

Furthermore, many gay men are more than happy to oblige married men, keep it secret and that's that. The chat rooms are full of men, from all over the world, right now hooking up for immediate sex without any attachments. Many of those men are married, with kids, and go to church, synagogues or temples, and consider themselves conservative. However, many are gay men who enjoy having sex married or not, gay or not. Most men think about sex a lot. This is just one more way to get it. They never address the issues of encouraging men to lie, men who also vote in their churches and control the laws of society. They don't address the issues of enabling their own repression.

Many churches are happy to condemn gay men as a threat to society. It's profitable. They keep the message simple. They use the family as the basis of a strong society. They see sexual promiscuity and openness as the problem. By stirring fear and gossip, it keeps people coming back for more.

But they never address the fact that secrecy allows for many of their priests, mullahs, bishops, ministers and upstanding church leaders to have sex with other men, (and boys.) After the sermons, these same men hide their real sexual lives, often using church money to pay for sex or the means to get it. They never discuss the secrecy created when you turn "the family" into the only allowable human interaction. Instead of a spiritual journey, churches have become a place to go to show you're upstanding citizens. They create an unobtainable "family" model, and then condemn anyone who fails, which is grand theater and makes for great gossip, but has nothing to do with connecting with universal truth and compassion. People will write checks to protect their children from "those people over there." It's the oldest scam in town. However, the hypocrisy has become so visible that many people see religion as a bad and dangerous joke instead of a means for truth and enlightenment.

How to resolve this? Each part is playing a role in this continuing drama.



Okay, one last question.

Do you think it's possible to break through these rules and social norms and find new ways of behaving? Is being openly gay, trans or lesbian going to lead us to a new type of society? If so, what will that look like to you?

Will churches that seek to move beyond this drama and focus on social issues like poverty and environmental destruction make a difference, or should churches stay focused on sexuality?

Will men allow themselves to feel their effeminate nature that we all have, or is masculine dominance so genetic and definite that it will never change? Will men find that honesty and openness about their sexuality leads to a richer experience of life and sex? Or are men just sex machines, and if you have to lie to the wife to get it, then so what? If a few openly gay men get hurt and killed, then it's their own damn fault for being such sissies.

Which is it going to be?

I hope that by verbalizing these questions it will draw people together to discuss them, not always to change each other's minds, but to let each other know, we are thinking and feeling human beings, and not reading from some script created by a church or some committee.

Jesus said to love one another. The First Amendment secures our civil rights to free speech.

I think if all sides start there, it will go a long way to keeping the peace in our community.